An open letter to parents who financially support adult children -Peter Dunn.

I write to you not from a place of judgment, but instead I address you based on an immense body of work that has brought me great clarity. The financial support you are offering your adult children is toxic. You are hurting them, you are hurting yourself, and until you realize it’s not money that they need, everyone involved will feel the pain.

Think back to when you taught your child to ride her bicycle without training wheels. Who was more scared? The idea of letting go of a toddler rocketing across concrete with little protection is terrifying. If you let go, she will fall — she will bleed. If you don’t, she will never learn to ride the most elementary transportation device since the invention of feet. Once you let go, and she falls and bleeds, she will quickly learn that balance and control equal the absence of pain. At that moment, everyone moves on with their life.

Assuming your now twenty- or thirty-something can ride their bike without training wheels, what was the primary element in their initial bike-riding achievement? It was your willingness to remove yourself from the situation, with the disturbing knowledge your absence would result in pain.

If you are still supporting your adult child, your absence will lead to their success — not your financial support. You have to remove yourself from the situation.

To be fair, if your child’s problems stem from student loans, then their lack of independence actually makes sense. However, you must be willing to acknowledge the amount of debt our children hold is directly correlated to our willingness and ability to pre-fund those college expenses, as well as our willingness to encourage our children to blindly accumulate hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt, with absolutely no plan to pay it off.

There’s a giant chasm that exists between not being able to pre-fund an education and encouraging your children to pursue what their 18-year-old minds think is an ideal education. That gap can be bridged with uncomfortable conversations and restraint. Ignoring the chasm will result in everyone involved falling in.